MCDONALDS ANNOUNCES ITS BURGERS CONTAIN NO ACTUAL MEAT

In a series of candid admissions forced by new FDA rules on food labelling, fast food giant McDonalds has admitted its burgers contain nothing that bears any resemblance to anything which we have come to know on earth as meat. Furthermore, their ice cream contains neither ice nor cream and their lettuce is made from a slurry of liquidised and reconstituted flurorescent pigs.

In the past few weeks, McDonalds has been forced to make embarrassing admissions about the nutritional content of their “food”. Their totally vegetarian freedom fries, it turned out, are cooked in beef tallow, and contain enough trans fats to keep the earth’s heart surgeons busy in perpetuity. Now they’ve admitted their fries also contain gluten and dairy products which can be toxic to those with celiac disease or gluten allergies. They hasten to reassure those with nighshade allergies that the fries contain absolutely no actual potato either.

By contrast their buns and cheese contain neither gluten nor dairy products, and their bacon is a cunning mix of “autolyzed yeast extract and hydrolyzed corn”, their buffalo sauce contains no actual buffalo, and their apple pie is made up of L-cysteine, sorbitol, dextrose, sodium citrate, sodium alginate, and didalcium phosphate, just exactly the ingredients your mom used to use.