FREAKING GREAT INVENTIONS

IOL hosts Patentdata which invites people to submit their brilliant invention in the hope of finding a backer and the untold riches that come with a lucrative new idea. Some of the ideas are quite useful, like the gel pocket that heats in the microwave and slips into a special “panty”, to keep us chicks from garroting our men when we have menstrual cramps. Not a bad idea and it’s nice to know that someone’s feeling our pain and more importantly doing something about it.

Another great one for women, if you’ve always wanted to pee standing up, now you can, with the nifty Femme Plus. It’s a type of funnel made from water-resistant cardboard, which you place over the “flow area”. Stand with your feet apart, straighten your knees, push your bottom back so the spout is aimed and off you go. When you’re finished, you throw it in the bin or “put it in your pocket”, a fanny funnel, how brilliant is that?

The fucking cleaning, how come nobody has invented something that removes the dust without any intervention from me. Here’s a step in the right direction, a vacuum cleaner that chugs around the floor, its dirt sensors seeking out and eliminating those elusive dust bunnies, like a terrestrial Kreepy Krauley. It even “remembers” the layout of your living room so it doesn’t keep bumping up against the furniture. You switch it on, go to work, when you get home, it’s as though the fairies have been. You can even get one that washes the floor.

It gets better you may never have to clean your bathroom ever again because it will never get dirty, yay, it’s an environmentally friendly coating which can kill bacteria. It repels water, so the dirt just washes away. No zims, no Handy Andy, now that’s what I call a freaking great invention.

This is brilliant in a creepy way, it’s a sonic teenager deterrent, it gets rid of loitering teenagers. by emitting a high frequency noise that doesn’t hurt the tender ear of the teenager, but makes him uncomfortable enough to move on and bother someone who doesn’t own one of these.

A few weeks ago, someone submitted an invention that involved pantyhose to the knee. Knee-hi’s been done, you chortle, but no, these come down from the waist and stop just below the knee, it’s something to do with thighs rubbing uncomfortably together, crap product, but then here’s Madonna wearing them.

Nope, my thighs can chafe away, I wouldn't be seen dead or alive in this.