CAR EXPLODES

If you think taxis are the most dangerous part of your morning commute, think again, your car could explode. What’s more, while you’re waiting in the traffic jam caused by a car ahead of you exploding, your car could also overheat and fling itself around in a million pieces.

Luckily it’s easy to spot if your car is about to explode, flames coming from under your bonnet, oh yes, if you have flames coming out of your bonnet, grab your bag (if it hasn’t been grabbed already) and run like hell. If the chick putting on her mascara in the car next to you has flames coming out of her bonnet, you should likewise, exit your car immediately and put foot. If that Engen tanker up ahead has flames coming out of its bonnet, return to your seat, put your head between your legs and kiss your beautiful booty goodbye.

And if the exploding cars are in a traffic jam in the single occupancy lane on the highway, tough luck, you should have remembered to have children.

Shop for your lives, the Do-Gooders are coming

“The cause of Aids in Africa is very close to your heart, is this why you used red sequins on this bouffant skirt”

Swear to God this was a question put to Georgio Armanion on Top Billing last week by one of their increasingly weird looking presenter luvvies. Armani is putting his weight behind a brand called Red, which plans to sell frocks and other “lifestyle items”, with a portion of the proceeds donated to Aids in Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Georgio Armani, he’s a genius in cloth, and I don’t doubt his commitment to a worthy cause, but somehow gorgeous expensive fripperies for leisure women and Aids in Africa don’t really fit.

I was only watching Top Billing because Apprentice was late, I love the Donald, he’s a genius and funny too, but there I was watching Top Billing, which is like a giant sized Chocolate Log, all foam, no substance, with a sickly sweet after taste. Next up was Ashley Judd, an actress I’ve always admired, with her little bobbing head, so earnest, so clean, so entirely made of white bread, she said “For every sixth Red garment sold, a child in Africa gets a pill.”

I think that’s what she said, maybe I was hallucinating, anyway, great new s folks, we’re each getting a pill, isn’t that just exactly what we need.

Which got me to thinking if I bought six Red outfits, could I get a pill of my choice?

I always wanted to try Viagra.