WATER MAKES YOUR TITS GROW

It’s an absolute truism that the gods love slapstick, and here’s proof. According to researchers the environmental estrogens in water and other foods are increasing the size of breast tissue – uh, in men!

Plastic surgeons are happy but befuddled by an alarming increase in the number of men seeking surgical assistance to reduce the size of their breasts and scariest of all they report removing “mammary gland tissue usually found only in women”. What’s going on here? It’s a worrying trend because, let’s face it, man titties aren’t a pretty sight, there’s nothing sexy about hairy cleavage and who wants to be married to a man with bigger breasts than your own.

Environmental estogens are endocrine disruptors which mimic natural estrogen. In women they have been linked to some forms of breast cancer and some scientists believe they are responsible for girls reaching puberty at an earlier age. In men they have been blamed for lowered sperm count, undescended testicles and horror of horrors decreased penis size (in alligators).

Environmental estrogens are hard to avoid because they’re in almost everything, they occur naturally in plants, as well as plastic goods, household products, pesticides, industrial chemicals and the growth hormones used in factory farming which means they seep into the meat and dairy products we eat and the water we drink.

Take a look at what you need to throw out or run the risk of turning into Pamela Anderson when your name is Kevin - nail polish, Sta-Soft, condoms, copiers and printers (an excellent excuse for not going to work) and stay far far away from the clingwrap in the microwave. Foods that contain estrogen are soya (but not soy sauce), hops and barley (put down that beer), garlic and olive oil (take that Minister Manto).

What it does to animals is positively ghoulish, male alligators in Lake Apopka which is located adjacent to an EPA Superfund site contaminated with dicofol and DDT, have undersized penises. In Florida, female mosquito fish have male sex organs and try to mate with other females, ditto with hamsters. Take a look at the interesting shapes of these frogs.

Bearing in mind that there were 11.9 million cosmetic surgical procedures in the US in 2004, an increase of 44%, of which the most popular procedures were liposuction and breast augmentation, this suggests that the Western world really isn’t too fat, or at least there’s the right amount of TOTAL FAT in the world, it’s just unequally and unfairly distributed.