CELEBRITY SCOFFING - MICK, TOM(AGAIN) AND THE USUAL SUSPECTS

I was going to make a departure from my usual style of slagging off the rich and famous and give out praise to one Mick Jagger for his naughty song, but along came the news that the Stones, the arthritic bad boys of rock Rolling Stones, have got a contract to create "spots and intro’s" for American football. Let that sink in slowly. The last great rock band making music for a sport so white-bread it could only exist in one country on earth. How is this going to work, NBC Football, Mick Jagger, are they going to shoot him from the waist up like they did with Elvis?

About the song, it’s all just a big publicity stunt for their new album, but I like what Mick said in response to all the uproar : "It's not aimed, personally aimed, at President Bush. It wouldn't be called 'Sweet Neo Con' if it was."

There are the usual rumblings of a Dixie Chicking for the British lads, threats of mass CD bulldozing, and a boycott of their concerts. I kinda doubt this would ever work, how do you boycott The Stones? Virgil said “Fortune favours the bold” and let’s see how it works for the Pan god, either way, the only thing that matters is if the new album is good.

Mick’s got nothing to do with this, but Arnold Schwarzenegger is hitching himself to the Rolling Wagon that is the Stones and offering tickets to a fundraising event. Yes folks, for a cool $100,000, you can watch the Stones in concert in a luxury box with the Groperführer, now that’s what I call democracy.

Poor Katie Holmes, she still has a chance to run if she starts now, because doting future husband Tom has started choosing her movie roles. He’s decided she will not play Edie Sedgwick because it would be bad for her image. We all know the man’s an egg sandwich short of a picnic, but Edie Sedgwick, is a fabulous part, sixties It-Girl, Andy Warhol’s muse, Katie’s perfect for it, and we all know what she can do when she gets going. She ran up and down those stairs with that turkey in Pieces of April and got it cooked without Tom’s help, why does she need him now, unless she really is a fem-bot.

Apparently and this is true, each of Tom’s wives is 11 years younger than the last, so since Nicole had a 10 year contract and Katie has a 5 year contract, Britney’s fetus is going to have to stay married to Tom for a whole 20 minutes.

I’m disappointed to hear that George Clooney is one of those golf freaks, because I think he’s adorable, he’s got that full-on Cary Grant, chisel-chinned thing going on, but apparently he’s so obsessed with golf he organizes golfing holidays for a bunch of pals he calls the Boys. Oh George you do have to watch out, you haven’t had a girlfriend for a long time, those whispers are going to start if you and your buddies spend too much time running around in tight white pants thrashing a ball with a stick. All this male bonding is going to turn off your target demographic, why don’t you arm-wrestle Tom for the lovely Katie?

Here’s the best news I’ve heard for a long time, Johnny Depp is afraid to be typecast as whimsical and wants to do a porn movie. I would pay a huge sum of money to see Johnny Depp do porn, let’s all encourage this shall we?

Over sharer of the week is Victoria Beckham who volunteers that she has never read a book. The most she can manage in her hectic stressful life of shopping, tanning and beating David around the earhole every now and then, is to flip through Vogue.

I’ve always found religious fundamentalism puzzling, then I hear that Jessica Simpson and her sister Ashlee used to go to church in their bikinis? Their father is baffled by all the fuss, he says they have never worn many clothes.

“When we were in church work, they wore bikinis and short shorts. People in the church got mad at me then, but we believe that what’s in the heart is more important than what’s on the outside”.

Hmmm, that's his story and he's sticking to it.

Speaking of fem-bots, brace yourself Cape Town, you’re getting a visit from Paris Hilton, yes, her people are crawling all over the place checking out the scene, bodyguards are being lined up, are you guy's hot or what?

Wonder if she’ll go cage diving or adopt an orphan?