CELEBRITY SCOFFING - Susan Sarandon of all people

Susan Sarandon how could you do it? How could you let yourself be filmed simpering in front of a mirror, all soft-focus and serene, stroking Wrinkle-be-Gone on your cheek. Sure there’s Julianne Moore sitting right next to you, but it’s different for her, she hasn’t made a brave stand as a liberal in a treacherous political arena. You and your delectable husband Tim Robbins got up on your soapboxes last year and nailed your colours to the gibbet when others (Madonna for instance) were kissing the conservative butt of middle America. You have credibility in spades, you have gravitas, you look great together, you could give Brad and Angelina a run for their money in the Mr.&Mrs. President stakes. Alas not anymore. When someone who claims to be an artist takes money to shill product, it’s tickets babe.

Ok, they’ve got to eat like everyone, but what makes it worse is that Susan was interviewed on her inner beauty, which apparently doesn’t preclude slapping on an overpriced (yet softly scented) combination of goop that’s meant to convince the ageing punter that the bits life has wrinkled can be ironed out again. What’s more, they filmed her in true girly-wirly tampon-ad style through a smoky gauze that makes her look all of, uh, fourteen. Make another movie Susan, at least you were good at that.

Beckham, it’s hard to scoff at this gorgeous man, which is why his wife takes such a beating from the press, but there he is in Heat magazine with shaved armpits! Enough of the metrosexual shit already, we want fine silky hair in the armpits of our men. It’s quite alright to wear your wife’s panties, shave your legs and wear an alice band, but there is no rhyme or reason that one of the sexiest men on the planet should appear in public looking like a freak.

Not when he’s in trouble on a number of fronts, look at the headlines he’s been getting, “Humiliated” and “Vodaphone boots Beckham”. Golden boy is obviously being eyed out by the bloodthirsty chickens of the press, especially since he managed to win a lawsuit against The People magazine who alleged he plagued his ex-nanny with hate calls. Silly thing for The People to say, when we all know the divine David is an SMS kind of a guy.

Speaking of nannies, Jude Law’s hired another one and he’s not taking any chances, this one’s fat and middle aged. If you ask me, these nannies are a bit more trouble than they’re worth. The pool table where Jude bonked the nanny is now for sale on e-Bay.

Kate Hudson has smelly feet. Why do we want to know this?

Over-sharer of the week : Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who regaled us with her drug history, the fact that she pretended to have bulimia to cover her extreme weight loss and even attended Overeaters Anonymous meetings to cover up her alibi. She also confessed to chewing the skin on her hands and wrists. Give the girl a Prozac already.

Tragic Grotesquerie of the Week is Mike Tyson and this may be a hoax, because I can’t confirm this anywhere, but word is that he will be starring in porno movies with Jenna Jamieson. Not that I think this is a bad idea, I certainly wouldn’t mind having a peek at those two bonking in an artfully posed setting, but something about this man’s incredible trajectory from the world’s best boxer to whacked out porno-freak is too much for my stomach to take. According the court reports, his “member” is at least 14 inches long. Poor Jenna!