MEMO TO PROCUREMENT MOMKAT FROM ZIGGY AND MISS CHRISSIE (YOUR CATS)

It has come to our attention that in places called Italy and England, domestic pets are possessed of rights, the five freedoms laid down by the Animal Welfare Bill, reinforced by the Pet Police who are empowered to sting offending owners with a hefty fine. In light of this, we your resident cats hereby demand certain changes in the provision of food and entertainment in our current situation, and we’ve made a list.

First off you’re required to provide an “appropriate” diet, and we think chicken and tuna are far more appropriate to our needs and tastes than those dry science pebbles, which are OK if all you want to eat day in and day out is that muesli stuff you choke down every morning. From henceforth it is an offence to make the aforementioned food items for yourself without giving us any.

We’ve got no complaints about the living arrangements, although we’d like it if you allowed us unlimited scratching on the new couch before you reach for the water pistol. It has the ideal texture for stripping those pesky nails and it’s the right colour to conceal blobs of hairball puke.

You are now required to provide “mental stimulation” so that we don’t become bored and frustrated, and we’re not talking catnip-filled mice, and feathers on a stick (although we do like the catnip), we’ll be needing several hours of string chasing, fishing-rod flinging and lightweight ball retrieval to stimulate our “catching behaviour”. Or you could leave the window open during the day when you’re at the office, and we’ll work on our catching skills in our own way.

The new law makes it compulsory to provide companionship or solitude depending on the situation, and we’re pleased to inform you that cats are solitary animals so there is no reason whatsoever for you to acquire a dog. If you did feel compelled to get a dog, it would need to be kept on a leash and introduced to us carefully and you will have to provide a hidey hole for us in case of rowdy children, and for that we’ve decided on the bed with the electric blanket.

You are also compelled to monitor us for abnormal behaviour (difficult to tell) and we’re sure we’ll quickly show signs of abnormal behaviour if a dog is introduced, so we must stress once again that no canine creatures be introduced into our living situation. Ever.

With the aforementioned in mind, don’t make any plans for this evening. We’re expecting a chicken fillet dinner followed by a saucer of cream. You will then need to chase us up and down the stairs at least seventeen times before our massages, after which you will fluff out our pillows and if you persist in sleeping in our bed, try not to snore.

And for God’s sake, clean out the litterbox, the smell can strip paint off the wall.