STAR WARS

It’s been a terrible week for celebrity, not least the ones in my age group who, it can be gently said, are getting on a bit. Prince is having a hip replacement, it’s all that prancing around in really high shoes. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness, so blood transfusions are against his religion, he’d rather take anti-inflammatory drugs, go figure.

The Rolling Stones, now you all know about stars demand in their dressing rooms in order to perform, the Stones have a defibrillator, used to shock the heart back into normal rhythm. Sigh, youth is so wasted on the young.

Madonna has also been in the wars, the rabbis are very cross about her song and are threatening all sorts of dire punishments. I suspect the music-loving punters are going to hate it anyway, so maybe she should just bury it quietly alongside her husband’s new movie. Didn’t anybody learn from Bob Dylan on what religion does to music?

Sienna Miller, get a grip, do not sob and beg and for a man’s attention, it’s just not dignified. Learn from Mariah Carey, and speaking of which, Eminem has redeemed himself by apologizing for mocking Mariah’s sobbing and begging in a song.

Boing and it’s there, the belly containing one Tomkitten, who has grown miraculously large in a very short space of time. Look at that inverted belly button, something not right about the timeline of this event, no wonder the Stepford Wives Virgin Birth Miracle Baby jokes are coming thick and fast.

Katie's aunt has denied rumours of IUV (did anyone ask?) but there’s something funny about the whole thing if you ask me. According to Kelly Preston, ie. John Travolta’s wife, Katie is not allowed to scream in agonizing pain as she is giving birth, nope, she has to bite her tongue off, because the baby must not be startled. Poor Katie, too late to run now.

The term “jumping on couches” has entered the lexicon, meaning to openly express your love and infatuation with someone. Jumped on a couch lately?

Celebrity is the new social addiction.

"The real change in recent years is that youngsters want to be famous for being famous. They don't feel they need to have a skill. People used to want to be pop stars and footballers, and before then nurses and doctors; now they just want to be famous, and if you say 'What for?' they don't care."