HALF YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Since almost half the year is over and the second bit goes in a bit of rush as you wait for that first Christmas commercial. Time to review the To Do list for the year.

Learn French – Check

Learn to cook – Check

Start business – Check

Stop chewing nails – Partial Check (I’m still chewing one thumb and two pinkies)

The others I haven’t got to but I did start an etsy shop. I’m a third of the way through the Pimsleur Speak and Read Essential French, and my cooking has improved so much I’m even eating it.

I am still killing my plants though, but despite my efforts, the garden is looking quite healthy and I get my fair share of praying mantis, ladybird and hadedah visitors.

All the health related resolutions have fallen by the wayside, I spent my last two hundred on a carton of Stuyvesants today, and I’m still using my weights to keep the door from closing.

Ah well, four our of ten isn’t too bad, and I’ve still got 7 months.

ORGANIC SUSTAINABLE HOT WATER BOTTLE

This revolutionary hot water bottle keeps a steady 38C/101F all night long and never gets cold like a conventional hot water bottle. No leaks, no waking up to a cold, soggy bed. Comes in ultra-realistic soft plush fully washable cover with gentle vibrate function. Kids will love it.

Comes in fun animal shape.

FREE to a good home

JOHANNESBURG'S NEW IMMIGRANTS

When I was a child, my mother excitedly pointed out a flying pair of ibis. It was an unusual sight in those days and meant good luck. I don’t remember if they brought us any luck, but I know for sure that there have never been so many ibis strolling around our neighbourhoods. Like chickenman, hadeda ibis are everywhere, they’ve made themselves so completely at home in the suburbs that they barely pause poking their beaks into the grass past churning, snarling morning traffic.

They’re about the size of a duck if it had long legs and a curved beak and their feathers are an iridescent leathery gray. Like a ducktail duck with a flickknife beak, although they’re not at all threatening. They have large moist eyes and big heads, and humans are programmed to find that combination irresistibly cute. Apparently, and I don’t know for sure (there was that rubbery "guineafowl" I ate that one time) they don’t taste too good, which might explain why they’re so ubiquitous.

In a way it’s a match made in heaven, Johannesburg is a forest city, and the birds love all the trees. They’re useful too, they suck up huge quantities of commonly regarded household pests, like Parktown prawns (about more later) and snails, so they’re encouraged, and they don’t need to be fed, they manage very well for themselves, thank you very much. They bother noone and noone bothers them.

There's one downside to these lovely birds, the blood curdling shriek they make when they’re startled, har-har, like a demented sailor. If you’ve had a cacophony of three or four of them in a tree outside your bedroom on a Sunday morning, you will achieve depths of hatred you didn’t think possible. They also enjoy sitting on individual houses or trees and calling to each at the tops of their voices, but then everyone in Joburg does that.

HELLO SWEET THING

At least I have a healthy garden , found this cute little fellow chowing down on the aphids in my garden.

Have as much as you like, bubbeleh, call your friends.

YUMMEE

Disgusting animal story of the day is this Canadian functionary who sliced off a piece of seal heart and ate it in an attempt to convince the EU not to ban the import of Canadian seal products. She declared it "delicious".

That will do it then, that'll bring the good citizens of the EU to their senses, seal burgers all round. That should take your mind off great big strong men battering small fluffy big eyed baby seals to death.

THE IRONY WAS LOST SECTION

Mary Mother of God!

Apparently and this is the truth, they held a fashion show in St. Petersburg in aid of the zoo, and to bring awareness of the problem of abused animals, they used real animals down the catwalk. And the fox kept trying to run away!

CUTE ANIMAL STORY

This is a lovely story with a happy ending, except for the pool owner

In Hoedspruit, South Africa a mother followed her curious baby into a swimming pool.

How to get them out, why fill up the pool with sand.

As for the pool owner - as we say in these parts "Ag shame man!"

FUN-NEE



Why are some animals funnier than others.

Cats are always funny, so are pigs, and cats and pigs together, hee hee.

POSSUM'S BACK

I'm delighted I managed to get my PossumQueen blog back, oh the troubles I've had. I felt like I was on a never ending virtual loop e-mailing Blogger and getting cheery emails back from some amorphous electronic entity that utterly failed to understand who I was and what I wanted. So much for artificial intelligence!

In effect, the computer said no, and as a result I've been in bloggus interruptus, also it was taking up a lot of my time and I've got to earn a living too, you know.

Anyway, I'm back, there's so much happening and I have so much to say about it.

CAR EXPLODES

If you think taxis are the most dangerous part of your morning commute, think again, your car could explode. What’s more, while you’re waiting in the traffic jam caused by a car ahead of you exploding, your car could also overheat and fling itself around in a million pieces.

Luckily it’s easy to spot if your car is about to explode, flames coming from under your bonnet, oh yes, if you have flames coming out of your bonnet, grab your bag (if it hasn’t been grabbed already) and run like hell. If the chick putting on her mascara in the car next to you has flames coming out of her bonnet, you should likewise, exit your car immediately and put foot. If that Engen tanker up ahead has flames coming out of its bonnet, return to your seat, put your head between your legs and kiss your beautiful booty goodbye.

And if the exploding cars are in a traffic jam in the single occupancy lane on the highway, tough luck, you should have remembered to have children.

Shop for your lives, the Do-Gooders are coming

“The cause of Aids in Africa is very close to your heart, is this why you used red sequins on this bouffant skirt”

Swear to God this was a question put to Georgio Armanion on Top Billing last week by one of their increasingly weird looking presenter luvvies. Armani is putting his weight behind a brand called Red, which plans to sell frocks and other “lifestyle items”, with a portion of the proceeds donated to Aids in Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Georgio Armani, he’s a genius in cloth, and I don’t doubt his commitment to a worthy cause, but somehow gorgeous expensive fripperies for leisure women and Aids in Africa don’t really fit.

I was only watching Top Billing because Apprentice was late, I love the Donald, he’s a genius and funny too, but there I was watching Top Billing, which is like a giant sized Chocolate Log, all foam, no substance, with a sickly sweet after taste. Next up was Ashley Judd, an actress I’ve always admired, with her little bobbing head, so earnest, so clean, so entirely made of white bread, she said “For every sixth Red garment sold, a child in Africa gets a pill.”

I think that’s what she said, maybe I was hallucinating, anyway, great new s folks, we’re each getting a pill, isn’t that just exactly what we need.

Which got me to thinking if I bought six Red outfits, could I get a pill of my choice?

I always wanted to try Viagra.

BARBIE'S DUNGEON